39 Orbits...
I never pictured how I'd feel at different ages. I remember once my mother said to me, “You’ll be twenty
in the year 2000.” I turned twenty-one that year, and it didn’t feel any
different than the year before. I feel like the most recent birthday that felt
any different to me was last year when I visited Winchester Cathedral and the
Mary Rose. Prior to that my birthdays from age twelve to the present were
largely unremarkable. I want them to be remarkable, but I think that once you
get to a certain age they cease to feel special. Maybe it’s the lack of
presents, or the lack of fanfare. For me, birthdays are difficult. I’m often
reminded of what I’ve lost or speculate on what could have been.
I’ll
turn forty next year, which scares the hell out of me. I feel like I haven’t
done much in the decades I’ve been alive. It wasn’t until I started traveling
that I felt like I started to do much of anything. I’ve always written but have
yet to publish anything. I’ve tried on so many different hats and so many
different interests, that I sometimes don’t know where to turn. There’s never
been any “one thing” that I’ve always been fixated on doing. Outside of writing
there’s so many interests that I don’t always have the time for them. I started
taking up chess again, and already feel the pull of other interests. I don’t
think it’s from restlessness. It’s more a sense of wanting to know and
experience as much as I can while I can. It’s not just mortality, it’s also
money, time, patience, and wanting to know that it wasn’t all wasted. These are
all factors as to which time-consuming interest I pursue next. God knows
there’s never enough time.
I
saw an interview once with Chevy Chase (it was on the Tavis Smiley Show). He was asked about leaving SNL, and how moving
to L.A. affected his career. He said, “You will lose perspective at some point.
What you lose in perspective you’ll gain later in retrospective.”
I
saw that as a cautionary tale, and thought, “Well, I’d best not lose
perspective.”
I
listened to Mr. Griswold but didn’t really heed his advice. He was right, I
lost perspective in my twenties. I’ve been piecing together information from
retrospective since then. I think that’s something that some people are
fortunate enough to do. There are others who are not so fortunate, and they
just sort of stumble through life in a fog. They don’t think beyond the next
millisecond, and don’t seem to realize how important everything they say and do
really is.
I’m
reminded of another quote. “Do you see that man who has just skipped out of the
way of the tram? Consider, if he had been run over, how significant every act
of his would at once become. I don’t mean for the police inspector. I mean for
anybody who knew him. And his thoughts, for anybody that could know them…”--James
Joyce.
Every
second counts because you may not have very many seconds left. I try to make
every second count. Sometimes I fail at that. Sometimes I say the wrong thing
or do the wrong thing. Sometimes I lead with my heart and not my head. Then I
try my best to fix everything because I fear time will run out. I don’t want to
lay on my deathbed, and think, “I really should have done this or that.” I want
to live a thousand lives and outlast the clock.
I
could go on and be existential about it. As if I already haven’t. The point
is…A lot has happened in the past ten years. Some of which I wish hadn’t
happened. There are some things I regret. Some things that could have been
handled better. Some decisions that weren’t as well thought out, or that blew
up in my face later. Like any of us I’m flying blind most of the time, and
hoping I land in Shangri-La. If I had to do it all over again there are some
things I would have done differently. There were some things that couldn’t be
avoided. There are still other things that could have easily been avoided. I’m
still learning. I’m still breaking free from bad habits that were acquired in
the past.
There
is still much to learn. I’m not done yet.
Copyright
Riley Joyce 2018.
Comments
Post a Comment