Monday, May 29, 2017

Cinders



Cinders

I haven’t loved every woman that I’ve ever dated. No one can say they have. But there are a few that I did love. I believe love grows over time, and not all relationships last long enough for love to grow. There are still many more where love didn’t take root, simply because the soil wasn’t fertile enough for that to happen. Then, there are those instances where it began to take root, but was then washed away.

            Enough of the plant metaphors. The loss of a relationship doesn’t represent growth. It represents a form of death, in a way.

            You could love someone for three years; share everything with them, and be their confidant. Yet, you can still not know them entirely. Once you do get to know them, they may turn out to be the opposite of who you thought they were. I won’t go into further detail here. Suffice to say, someone I cared for deeply is now missing from my life. It’s a painful thing. But, it may not be such a bad thing. There’s a sort of liberation, as well as disappointment. All of what they said turns to cinders, but the truth about them is revealed.  

            Over the past ten years I’ve met all sorts of people. Some of whom were great, and some of whom were not so great. Whatever this odyssey is that I’m on it has taught me many things. Not the least of which is that the heart is a vulnerable organ. It beats in time with one’s moods. It speaks louder than logic, and supplants all other systems. I try not to be so vulnerable. But, I guess leading with one’s heart beats the alternative; being a cold-hearted bastard. I could easily be such, but I guess I’m not programmed that way. Or, I choose not to be that way.

            Here I am, single again.
            I hate being single.

Sometimes it feels like a form of failure. Other times, it just feels like that state of suspended animation; a sort of limbo between relationships. You knew what happened in the past, but have no idea what’ll happen in the future. That is what is scary. You can’t predict when, or if someone will come into your life. When they do, you hope to God they don’t hurt you. You hope that whoever it is, they are nicer, prettier, kinder, and gentler than the person who came before.

            In the words of a Velvet Underground song I Found a Reason, “What comes now is better than what came before.”

            We all hope that’s true. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. I learned a long time ago that finding someone to be with isn’t about perfection. It’s about process. You’re searching, but without a map; just a vague heading on a compass of what feels right, and what doesn’t. If it’s not right, and they are hurting you, then it’s time to move. Sure, being lonely is among the most painful emotions anyone will experience. But being willfully hurt by someone else is different. No one should ever choose to stick around for that.  

            There will always be other women in the future.
            The goal is to find the one that will always be there for you.
            Well, for me, really. But, you know what I mean.
            She’s there, somewhere. I just need to find her. Time to get out that compass.


Copyright Riley Joyce 2017